The Ballad of Vankar
(now in Limerick form)
There once was a soldier named Vankar
who drank too much liquor by far.
"No one let's me fight.
I'm in HQ all night.
F**k it, Imma be a Pornstar."
He went to each member of the Force
trying to explain this, of course.
"Now I'm old and a drunk
And spend all of life in a funk,
but it helps that I'm hung like a horse.
It was Anri who helped me to choose
showing me that there's more to life than booze.
I can get paid lots of cash
and get lots of ass.
What the hell do I have to lose?"
In the midst of sharing Goodbyes,
Max shook his head and rolled his eyes.
"I bet he catches something for sure -
Something for which there's no cure.
But it'll be his fault when he dies."
So Vankar went on his way
getting happier with his choice each day
He made a name for himself -
A threesome with a dwarf and an elf -
He decided that life was OK.
But his happiness would be cut short
that dwarf was the granddaughter of Gort!
"HE'S DISHONORED ME CLAN!
I'LL CATCH THAT OL' MAN
AND USE HIS TESTICLES FOR SPORT!"
So the Force went to hunt him down
searching each village, and city, and town.
They gathered the clues
while watching Gort's fuse
"I'M GOING TO KILL THAT CLOWN!!"
Eventually, they came to the place
where everyone knew Vankar's face.
Gort wanted to duel
as that was the rule.
"DOG'S LIKE HIM DESERVE TO DIE WITHOUT GRACE!"
So Vankar arrived without pants
holding his mighty lance.
"I did nothing to you
besides she asked me to."
"THAT'S IT ASSHOLE! LET'S DANCE"
Thrusting again and again at Gort's chin
Vankar hoped to poke his lance in.
It didn't bother poor Gort
For he was too short
"YOU'RE GONNA DIE FOR YOUR SIN!"
Gort didn't need to parry the attacks
with the edge of his Flaming axe.
When he had the chance
he chopped down on the lance.
Bringing a quick end to that climax.
Vankar's eyes grew wide and he gave a small shout.
Gort quickly turned the duel to a rout.
"I KICKED YOUR ASS, TUBBY
OR SHOULD I SAY VANKAR, THE STUBBY!"
but the light in Vankar's eyes had gone out.
Max looked at the corpse and said,
"I knew he would end up dead.
Being hung like a horse
means nothing of course
When you think with your smaller head."