B3: "a great war was fought between the Light and the Darkness" vs "In a time when the pure were called "light" and the wicked were called "darkness"
Siel wrote:This bit seems more to be based on the localization rather than the source
I suppose, perhaps. It seemed to me that the really important bit was that there was a big war between good and evil, and there's only the two little lines to get that across, so I phrased it how it sounded natural to me. But if you think it's important to emphasize the "good/evil hearts" angle, I could be convinced.
Siel wrote:The source doesn't exactly precise Dark Dragon "was unleashed". In fact, since it swore revenge and thus seems to be sentient, it might've rampaged on its own volition.
Fair point. I didn't necessarily mean to imply that it was unleashed intentionally, or that it was a lowly minion of anyone else, I just wanted to convey that it wasn't necessarily some ancient evil that had always been there; as far as I can tell its appearance was directly related to the war. If you disagree based on the original japanese, let me know where.
Siel wrote:Entombing sounds rather different from sealing
Well, don't you generally seal a tomb? I guess I don't see the important distinction in this context, and "entomb" sounded cool to me.
Siel wrote:She originally seems to continue to be reading from the book rather than to be summarizing it. Also, she had a grandpappy :(
Also also, saying "your ancestors" seems a bit odd since it should be her ancestors as well, making saying "our ancestors" probably make more sense.
Yeah, I went back and forth about the whole deal with the grandpappy. For the moment I decided that was an unnecessary aside from setting up the telling of the story, and possibly something that has more significance in japanese culture than western, so I dropped it. As for reading, I have tweaked those lines since my posting so you might like it better in the next update, but it also seems to me that having her head down does well enough to imply that she's reading and maybe thinking out loud to herself as she goes. And and, are we sure it's her ancestors? I only put "your" to honor the bit that Mew seeker translated in an earlier line about "this was your (people?) doing". It could be nobody's ancestors, from the player's perspective.
Siel wrote:"Even under heavy blows, you somehow find the strength to fight on." vs "Come at me however you like! Strike with all your might!"
That wasn't my translation reference -- I have Mew seeker's "Well Max-dono, Even when trapped from somewhere (?), you put into heart plenty of great energy!". But I am just working forward through that translation thread, was there a different version of chapter 1 later on?
Siel wrote:Rather than reminding him to breathe, Varios was telling him to remember how he did what he had just done
Again, I was looking at Mew seeker's "I didn't lost my breath. (?)" and trying to figure out what breathing had to do with it, so that's what I came up with. In the context of sword training, it seemed to fit. But if you have another translation where Varios is telling Max to remember how he did it, I'm fine with that.
Siel wrote:I prefer "on par with" here rather than "as well as", as the latter has somewhat different nuance
Siel wrote:In the second half, Varios is stating that it'd be nice if Max could be officially accepted as a knight in Guardiana.
Was that the intent? I was looking at "Even for me in Guardiana, (?) that I could oficially meet such a knight (?) is good but... (?)" and trying to make sense of what he meant, but your interpretation seems just as good. I can change that.
Siel wrote:Lowe originally states he's going to check on the situation at the castle and tells Max to join him later, rather than that he's going to ask around town
Hm, yeah, looking at the translation reference again, I see your point. I guess I wrote that with the thought that Max doesn't see Lowe while asking around, and the town is bigger than the castle, and Max is told to go to the castle by the priest, so it made sense to me that maybe the plan all along was Max-castle, Lowe-town and we just didn't happen to see him around town. But, again, fair point; I'll change it.
Siel wrote:Book 1:
"Path to" rather than "way of"
This is partly an issue of text width; "The Way of the Swordmaster" fits with just 2 pixels to spare, while "The Path to Master Swordsmanship" is 36 pixels too long. I thought it was close enough to convey the topic of the book; do you disagree?
Why this first half about a new assistant? He originally even commends Max for guessing right.
You caught me.
Just some humor, referencing the nearby woman's line. But if you think it's important that Max guess correctly, I'll concede that point.
The "Let's be fair" part and the rest was commentary by mew seeker and not part of the translation
Ah, a cut-n-paste gaffe. It sure was tedious compiling all that stuff from the forum thread. But that said, since you already mentioned that everyone was too brusque for your taste, and we're already dropping the Priest's joke, why not keep this one? I don't think it changes the overall story in any significant way, that old man isn't a recurring character or anything.
Siel wrote:mew seeker's "stranger guy" would probably have been more clear as "outsider"
Ah, okay. This is going to be one of the hardest parts of this project -- with a reference like "stranger guy" it's hard to know if he meant "person that I am not acquainted with myself" or "person who is totally foreign to this land and a stranger to everyone". So, thanks for the clarification.
Siel wrote:"Nouveau" was part of the name (Mandragora Wine Nouveau)
Ah, I guess I missed that because of the capitalization. Fixed.
Siel wrote:The woman is originally the one saying Gort was once the best and not that Gort merely claimed to be the best.
Hm, okay. I was figuring that based on Gort's boasting to the player at the tavern, it was likely that he'd boasted to his family too, but you're right that the translation doesn't specifically cite Gort in this case. I'll change it.
Siel wrote:Why suddenly secretive?
I guess I figured that someone who was a lifelong adviser to the King probably ought to be a little more careful letting slip to someone like Max with details of a current emergency situation. The player still gets the same information, it just seemed to make the old man more believable to me. You think he should be more open?
Siel wrote:The aid is originally telling Max there's no way that Max could know what is troubling the king.
I guess I thought this conveys the same thing. He's not being outright rude, "You couldn't possibly know", he's just being dismissive, "Oh, really? You think you know? How cute." For someone who's presumably spent his life at court, that angle seemed to fit him while conveying the same opinion.
Siel wrote:This is originally the typical "Nothing is unusual." message shown for searching nowhere in particular, but for some reason the localization has it say something related to the telescope here.
Hm, ok. But as long as the dialogue is already hooked up to searching the telescope, is there any need to make it the generic "nothing here?" Why not have some comment on the telescope being searched?
Siel wrote:The king originally seems quite resigned that Max has refused
Well, true. I can change it if you think it's important to the King's character, it just seemed to me that since reconsidering is a mandatory action for the game to progress anyway, there's no point pretending that the King is content to accept that.
Siel wrote:He's originally complaining about distrusting an outsider such as Max
Ah, okay. That's a nuance that I couldn't tell from the translation, so I was just going off the character judgement based on Max's appearance, from someone who seems pretty haughty. But I see your point that Max's foreignness is relevant here, so I'll put that back in.
Siel wrote:She's originally asking if Max is as mad as she is about whatever, so when he replies no, she's dejected that she didn't even explain yet
Why would the maid think Max would be as dejected about Tao? The maid has more of a reason to take offense than Max does. So, I was trying more to emphasize that she's preoccupied with her bitterness and was just hoping to vent to Max, so she's surprised (and offended again) if Max cuts her off.
Siel wrote:This bit sounds rather patronizing now, instead of showing admiration
The original was admiring? I don't understand.
Siel wrote:Why are all the maids made to address Max condescendingly? They all seem intended to be about as young.
I didn't think the first two maids were condescending at all, and I envisioned them to be younger, close to Tao and Max's age. It's only this third one in the king's bedroom that I took to be much older, hence the more matronly concern for his well-being.
B113: "You might need me!"
Siel wrote:Lowe originally sounds more confident about it than just a "might"
I guess I didn't mean "might" to be a literal expression of uncertainty, I just used it as a figure of speech. But I can change that if you think it's unclear.
Siel wrote:(From here, I started to skim and skip to the end)
Yep, there's a lot of dialogue in just the one chapter. But I appreciate your feedback, so if you ever have the time and inclination, feel free to read it through and let me know what you think of the rest.
B370: "Where was the ancients' castle?"
Siel wrote:Max doesn't originally wonder about that and probably doesn't need to, since Guardiana guarding the castle's western gate and Runefaust its eastern gate should already be widely known.
But, if those are its two gates, where is the castle? Do you think the people of this time already know that the ancient castle is underneath the ocean? Because that's all that's between the two gates as they stand now, as far as we can see. Assuming that people don't know it's under the ocean, and also don't know that it conceals ancient teleporter technology, it seems reasonable to wonder why a "gate to a castle" doesn't visibly seem to lead anywhere.